Crash...

I feel like my world is about to crash down around my head. Life is too overwhelming for me right now. I am angry all the time and want to just escape from it all. I am tired, so tired all the time. I move through the days like a zombie, doing things I must and neglecting everything else. I find myself staring into space quite often, looking for a way out of this hole...some hope to cling to. All I can think of is I need to simplify my life, get rid of the chaos and clutter. But, that's easier said than done when you have four kids. I find myself day-dreaming of what life would have been like had I taken a different path, turned left instead of right...

The Likes of Me

God has not time
for the likes of me.
He is too busy tending his flock
the stupid sheep who follow each other right over the cliff.
But what if I should be tempted
to jump off that cliff?
Then what?
Would he then find time
for the likes of me?
If my soul falls
rotten to the floor
will He come to save it?
Would He pin it back onto my useless body
so I can wear it like a cause
no one wants to fight for?
No, God has not time
for the likes of me;
always challenging, defying,
demanding answers as if I alone deserve one!
So I struggle;
fighting myself,
fighting the world,
waiting my turn for when He might have time
for the likes of me.

My first blog...yippee

I'm sure you're wondering why "The Rubber Doll Chronicles". Let me try to explain.

I like ball-jointed dolls. I like how they look, their realistic faces. I like that they aren't real. Sounds strange, I know. But there's a reason. When I first saw one online I thought "what the hell?" They look like some kind of pervert's barbie doll. And, to be honest, a lot of the photos I have seen of them online are quite weird. I mean seriously, who buys $500 dolls, dresses them up and then photographs them in all kinds of poses...some pretty provocative if I may say so.

But then I realized that I found them oddly fascinating. I could see why they were enticing. They don't talk back either, my favorite feature. The main thing that attracts me to them is they reflect how I feel as a person...like a doll...a thing that can be made to do whatever you want it to do and it has no life of it's own. That's how I felt most of my life.

There are a lot of details I could bore you to death with here but I'll keep it brief. I never felt like I could be ME. I was too busy being what others in my life needed, wanted, and expected. I was manipulated in so many ways. I was a doll with a fake plastic face who was empty inside. Except, really I wasn't empty. I was full of anger, hate, frustration, and emotions ready to explode. And, one day I did. It wasn't pretty, and the bloody mess I trailed behind me has taken years of self-exploration to begin to heal. As a result, I still struggle with depression other issues...I am who I am and that's ok.

I was a doll. And now, I am part girl, well...part woman who still feels like a girl finding her way through the world...somewhat bitter, definitely angry, and very sarcastic and biting. I have a soft-side...those who know me will say I have a good heart. I just don't like to admit it.

It's easier to hide behind my plastic-doll face and pretend to be whatever it is everyone needs me to be. But some days, like today...the face cracks and I let some of the hurting girl inside seep out. More to come...